You won't lose me
by IncirrinaProf
Summary: Set after the S9 finale. Callie begins to analyze her feelings and move forward by revisiting her past. What is she really afraid of in her relationship with Arizona, and how is that holding her back? "You will never lose me." Real love can evolve but it can never just disappear. A/N-no infringement intended, and no money was made.
1. Chapter 1

She looked up from settling her daughter's sleepy protests and scanned the people milling around the Mazatlan regional airport when her eyes lit on a familiar head of unruly chestnut hair and the laughing green eyes of her first true love… "Juli!" Callie breathed out softly as she and Sofia both were swept up by her oldest friend in a tight and comforting hug. She felt a few tears escape her eyes at the pure comfort and unconditional love she felt radiating through that simple gesture. "Hola bonita," Juli murmured to a dozy Sofia. "And you, pensé que nunca ibas a visitarme para ver mi sueño."

"Oh Julian Montealtar, you know I've meant to come for a long time, and it never worked out…. but I am glad that you've built your dream. I would love to see it." She said as she felt him take a good look at her.

"Ya sé que necesitas un descanso y veo que estas sufriendo del corazón, pero vas a superarlo y quiero que sepas que yo te quiero mucho…"he finally said softly as he threw his arm around her shoulders and taking her bags led her out to his waiting car in the sweltering heat of the Mexican summer.

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_The storm had continued unabated for the rest of the night and into the next day. She had managed to miss seeing Arizona as she worked without a break or sleeping, fixing fractures and suturing victims of the bus crash among others until there was no one left to fix but herself. Her phone showed messages from Arizona, her dad and one from Hunt:_

_ Torres, the heart operation on Webber went well, he's in recovery now room 3302 for visits. Good job on his dislocation._

_ Hey, I saw you still have surgeries so I took Sofia and Zola home since Mer's still resting and Derek's with baby Bailey. -A _

_ Mija, are you alright? I heard the storm arrived early. Are you still coming to that convention in Ft. Lauderdale? I would love to see my nieta if you would bring her. I love you, your papi."_

_Instead of responding she did drop by to see the Chief, sleeping soundly and recovering from being electrocuted the night before. She nodded to her friend Bailey and then went to check on Meredith Grey, her fellow attending, board member, and most recently, real friend. _

"_Hey Grey," she smiled softly through her exhaustion as she realized the new mother was awake. "I heard you did it again" Callie gave a soft smirk somewhere between empathetic and incredulous. _

"_Did what?" Meredith said groggily. _

"_Survived" Callie said simply. The clear eyed woman in the hospital bed merely gave her a half grin as they both embraced the silence and their own thoughts. _

"_Apparently I lost you…" rang through the tall brunettes mind. She had felt herself say the words, and then only after did she understand what they had meant. She had felt the truth of them and felt her face change from shocked, to broken, to the stoic mask she had still had in place all these hours later. Standing in the room with Meredith, looking at the woman who had survived so much and still managed to make it and smile after everything she'd been through helped Callie gain some clarity. _

"_I'm leaving... Mexico." She felt herself speak the words as they were the obvious continuation of some conversation they'd been having. _

"_Okay… Wait what?" Meredith's grey-eyed gaze fixed on her softly.__She had noticed Callie's eyes were heavy with something, but she figured it was just due to exhaustion and Webber's surgery. _

"_Yeah, I got invited to a symposium on problems in hand surgery and after giving that TED talk I think I can handle public speaking a little better…_

"_I am taking some leave before over the next few weeks and going to visit a friend in Mexico now that everything with the storm has settled down." Callie was almost shocked at how she had made this decision. And seeing Meredith Grey had allowed her to just do it. Everything would be ok, and her friends would hold down the fort in her absence. _

"_Okay…" Meredith replied slightly confused but supportive of her friend. "Well I guess you have fun", she offered chuckling as Callie quickly came over and gave her a hug. _

"_Yeah, see you soon Mer, and congratulations on your beautiful baby boy…" The dark eyed brunette whispered as she strode from the room and began to make her way back to her apartment._

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"And then as I was giving a lesson milking to three very attractive young ladies in my workshop, the goat comes crashing in, stealing the pail of milk, which then causes the cow to stomp on my foot and whip me in the face with her tail in frustration, which then results in me hopping up and slipping face first into a pile of cow shit."

Callie found herself laughing uproariously at this story as Julian drove them back to his eco resort in the mountains. As she clutched her sides she realized that this was the first time she's truly laughed in weeks, even since before the storm and… Arizona.

"So", Julian noticed the change in her expression as they neared his home, "who has broken your heart and do you need me to break their face?"

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_When she arrived home she noticed a note taped to the bedroom door. _

_ Since its sunny out I took the girls for supper. _

_She let herself into her bedroom, her wife's and her bedroom she corrected mentally. She stared at their bed and despite her reluctance to sleep in the bed she'd shared with her love for over four years, her exhaustion won out and she collapsed onto her side and curled into a ball, ignoring the smell of her wife's perfume, her clothes draped across the furniture, her jewelry on the nightstand, and just let herself drift into the calm of sleep. _

What Julian says in the airport:

Hey beautiful… and you, I thought you were never going to visit me and get to see my dream.

I already know that you need a rest and I see that your heart is suffering but you are going to get through this and I want you to know that I love you very much…


	2. Chapter 2

**So, thanks for the responses so far :) **** This is my first foray into fiction writing and I appreciate your comments and critiques a lot. Also, I am really sorry about taking so long to update, the days just got away from me. I will definitely be better in the future.**

**The past/flashbacks are in Italics. Hopefully it doesn't get too confusing…**

_Callie managed to miss seeing Arizona the next morning, despite waking up unusually early both her wife and her daughter were already gone. She got herself ready and was into work and was kept busy with consults, reorganizing the rounds schedule for the next few weeks, and various emails about her research. She had let Hunt know of her plans to finish the week and then go on leave and begun booking her travel before noon. _

_After taking a coffee break and unsuccessfully stalking the Peds floor in the hopes of seeing her wife, she decided to take the stairs as she sent her wife a text. _

_ Can we talk sometime today? Whenever you're not busy, just page me. _

_She wasn't sure what she would say when they finally got to talk. Only that she knew she needed to take a break for herself, and hopefully not get into another fight. She didn't think she could take it if a conversation with her wife turned into the vitriol and emotional homicide they had experienced the night of the storm. _

_She looked down in surprise as her pager went off suddenly, but huffed when she saw it was only April Kepner calling for a consult to the pit. _

"_Hey Dr. Torres, sorry if this throws off your schedule but this case was referred to you by Dr. Bishop last minute since you're the best and the patient will need extensive reconstruction of his hand." Kepner spouted off as she led Callie to a curtained off bed. _

"_That's alright April, what you got?" She said getting gowned and gloved. Kepner looked a bit drawn which helped tone down her usual extreme perkiness. Callie took a moment to wonder what was going on with the younger doctor. She expected her to be more upbeat since getting engaged a few nights ago… _

"_Right hand crushed and partially severed in a fork-lifting accident. I've got you booked into OR five and it should be ready in twenty. We gave Mr. Mallone some pain medication and he's out cold." She said as they looked at the scans and blood work for the patient. Looking over the man in the bed, Callie un-wrapped the bandages around his hand and could tell this was going to be a project she would enjoy. _

"_Alright, let's get this guy his hand back." She felt motivated to immerse herself in the work she loved as she began to head out of the pit. Passing trauma room 3 Callie caught sight of Arizona, working feverishly with Owen Hunt on an adolescent girl. She was surprised at the way her heart jumped when she caught a flash of her wife's bright blue eyes as she motioned exasperatedly for something from a nurse. The petite blonde hadn't noticed her wife watching her as she was so focused on her patient. Callie noticed she looked exhausted and desperate. She couldn't stop herself from wanting to comfort Arizona. She shook her head and continued on her way to the get prepped for surgery._

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"_Hang more O Neg and call down for an OR, she's stable for now but we gotta get in there to see what else is wrong." Arizona called out as she got ready to leave the room. She was exhausted and worried and beyond that didn't know where to begin. _

_It had been three days since the perfect storm hit and she had managed to avoid Callie for all of them. The only time she had seen her was when she had come home to put the girls to bed the night before and found her wife curled into a ball in their bed, wrapped around Arizona's pillow. Her wife looked so worn in her sleep, curled in on the pillow as though someone would come and take it away from her if she loosened her grip. _

_The blonde couldn't find it in herself to sleep next to her wife, partially out of guilt but mostly because her resentment was so strong… so she had slept a few hours on the couch. She just didn't know what to feel. And she was afraid that is she let herself feel, then it would be too much and she would lose control again and do something else crazy. She loved Callie, but she didn't know that she could ever forgive her. More than half a year after the plane crash and she couldn't move on because she still did not understand her life with only one leg._

_The blonde blinked and looked up when she realized they had reached the OR and Owen was talking to her as they scrubbed in._

"_I wish I could get away right now. I envy her, you both actually, a beautiful baby and actual home cooked meals from a woman who loves you. Even if she's the one going on leave it must still be nice to come home to that." _

"_Wait what?" Arizona cut Owen's rambling off as they headed into the surgery._

"_Well Cristina never cooked… I'm just glad Callie's getting a vacation after all this mess with the storm and Webber. I'm living vicariously through her" he said with a half-hearted smirk as they got to work. _

_Arizona merely stared as he opened their patient. Callie was… leaving? And she hadn't told her? Suddenly the situation made a lot of sense, and as Arizona fought with a plethora of emotions, she settled on anger. Anger was her easiest option and go-to emotion when she didn't know what to feel If Callie wanted to just leave without telling her then she wasn't about to let her off easy, the peds surgeon thought as she immersed herself in the surgery. _

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_Callie was just walking back from giving her patients wife the good news after the four hour surgery when Arizona appeared at her side and directed them into an empty patient room with a short "we need to talk." _

"_Hey," Callie began warily as she caught sight of Arizona's closed face. "You got my message then?" She felt nervous and choked up being in such close proximity to her wife. She saw her and wanted to touch her, but couldn't let herself, especially not with Arizona looking at her with such a pissed expression. So she kept her stoic mask in place. She'd been using it on her friends, hospital employees, and patients, so she figured she may as well continue with Arizona. _

"_I had to hear it from Hunt, you're going on leave?! What, were you just gonna take our daughter and get away from the disgusting attachment that you're married to?!" She was pacing in front of Callie as she let her anger dictate her words. She stopped when she registered what Callie had said. _

"_What message?" _

_For a second Arizona thought she saw longing and shock cross her wife's face, but then her eyes glazed over and her facial muscles relaxed into an expressionless mask. An almost perfect poker face, she realized as Callie began to speak. _

"_I wanted to talk to you because I needed to tell you that yes I am taking some leave. And I wanted to let you know about some of the things I am figuring out." The brunette spoke calmly and quietly._

"_Oh, uhh okay… "_

"_I am going on leave at the end of this week," she paused to look in her wife's eyes "because I need some space away from… everything, but I will be back in a little over two weeks." She tried to make it sound like this wasn't actually killing her to say out loud. _

"_Callie, I… you're leaving me?" Arizona asked with a quiet disbelief. Too much was happening in her brain and she was not processing this new turn of events. _

"_I'm coming back. Arizona I am sorry…" She let her mask slip for a moment as she rubbed her eyes and shook her head slowly to clear it. Callie's normally strong voice was starting to shake so she took a slow, deep breath. _

"_I could never cut you out of my or our daughter's life. I am not leaving you. I love you, and I can't just stop loving you, but I need a break from this… Seattle, the rain, this hospital… _

_I am giving you space because I have been pushing you so much and I am sorry for that. _

_I wanted to tell you, I needed you to know that you won't lose your place in our lives. I," she took another deep breath, "you will always be our daughters mother and I need you to not doubt that. No matter what, I want what's best for you, whatever you need to do." Arizona could tell it was a struggle for the brunette to get those words out. After a moment, the taller woman cleared her throat and wiped her overflowing eyes as discretely as she could and continued. _

"_You are my best friend, and I haven't supported you like you needed. I did my best but my pushing you didn't help so"_

"_Callie I want to explain but" Arizona wasn't sure what she was going to say but it hurt to hear this, with the brown eyes of her wife overflowing and her words cutting through the blonde's anger._

_Callie cut her off again saying, "I am honestly not ready to hear anything about it yet. So just, please, take these two weeks to think about what it is you want. And then when I'm back and you're ready we'll talk. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow and taking Sofia too. I'll leave all our contact and booking information for you at home."_

_Arizona just looked at her wife and shook her head as she walked out of the room. _

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"Mama, looka me aga!" Callie lifted her eyes to her daughter's excited face.

"Look at you! I see you in the water baby!" She watched as Julian waded into the shallow pool with her daughter half clinging to him and half riding his chest, splashing and giggling happily. It was almost perfect. The sun was shining and a small waterfall in the background was helping to lull her scattered mind. She smiled as her daughter took to the water like a natural.

"Tu hija parece un pez, mirala!" Julian exclaimed with a smile.

She laughed delightedly as her daughter swam like a frog towards her, her head kept above the water by the myriad floaties they'd managed to strap her in. She looked up when she heard the clicking of a shutter and saw Julian with a camera in his hand.

"That's the first time in the days since you've been here that I have seen a smile that big bonita," he said softly.

Wading into the water to be closer to Sofia, Callie nodded and hummed softly. She had enjoyed the past few days with her old flame and friend. He was very kind, and warm and supportive; he knew about Arizona and what had happened but didn't push her to think one way or the other. He let her take her time figuring herself out, being with him reminded her of Mark in a way. She hadn't realized how much she missed having her best guy friend to talk to and get bear hugs from. In all the drama and sadness of the past year, she had forgotten what it felt like to be loved and supported unconditionally.

"I was just thinking, this moment is almost perfect." She spoke quietly. "It's strange because in this moment I feel joy, but I still wish Arizona was here, to see our daughter swim." She looked up at the man who held her daughter as he waded closer.

"I was just thinking that if this is my future, you know, just me and Sofia on family vacations, I could be happy and that makes me feel bad in a way…" She trailed off, feeling guilty for enjoying herself without her wife, happy that she could enjoy herself without Arizona, and also sad because she wished she was there with them. "I'm a convoluted mess." She laughed dryly.

"Pshhh, you know it is okay to feel all of those things, you don't need to just pick one emotion or behave like you think you should. Sometimes it's easier, but it is not honest and it's not you."

"Being me sucks sometimes… Why can't I just hate her Juli?" She pouted up at him pathetically with tears in her eyes as she hugged her daughter to her body.

"What are you afraid of bonita?" He asked her gently.

"Honestly, I think I am afraid of losing her in my life. When I left, I told her that I would always be there for her, that she wouldn't lose her place in my or Sofia's life if she wanted it, but she has changed so much in the past year, and I don't know if she even wants to be in our lives.

"If we do break up, we won't talk or just hang out together. I will have lost my wife and my best friend. I don't have any of those left," she got out through the tears that had begun falling, "other than you of course, but you live in freakin' Mexico!" she breather out loudly, trying to calm herself down before she upset Sofia who was still kicking and splashing happily.

"Well, you remember what happened with us?" He looked up at her through his eyelashes as he spun Sofia around in a circle.

"I was afraid of the same thing when we broke up. At the time, I thought you were the great love of my life, and I didn't want to lose you as my friend either. Every other break up before you had left me with exes who not only didn't talk to me after but hated me. One even sent me a card on my birthday once telling me how glad she was I wasn't in her life anymore!"

"What a bitch!" Callie exclaimed before looking down in horror to see if her daughter was paying attention.

Julian only laughed at her worry before continuing, "yeah, but then with us we managed to stay friends and talk through it. You supported me in my dream of going out on my own and learning about ecologically sustainable practices even when my family cut me off. We stayed in each other's lives even though our relationship changed. No matter what happens with your wife just be honest. If she decides she doesn't want to stick around, that's her loss. If she can't communicate with you, or get herself together, it's not up to you to save her.

You've already saved her life. Now it is up to her how she wants to live it."

Callie snorted but smiled at her friends' sage advice. "When did you become the love guru?" she said sniffling as she watched Sofia swim in circles.

"Spending so much time talking to goats will do that to you," he grinned cheekily back at her. "They're non-judgmental yet very expressive." He laughed at the raised eyebrow and amused smirk that told him _she_ was judging him, hard.

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Back in Seattle Arizona was sprawled out on the living room couch in Mark's old apartment. It was her day off and third day after her conversation with Callie at the hospital. She had already gone through two bottles of wine and was well on her way to shitfaced.

"You know Mark, you took the easy way out, you bastard. You left and made me stay here and for what?" She slurred out loud to the empty apartment. She hadn't been this alone in months. No Callie, no Sophia, nowhere to be until the next day. She had started off the night with a glass of wine to help her relax, but as the silence wore on she couldn't bring herself to stay in her own apartment surrounded by everything that reminded her of her wife, of her own infidelity, of everything she was now. So now, here she was drunk and cursing Mark.

"Why can't she get that this isn't about her? She did this to me! I didn't do it to hurt her. I did it because…. Because… Ahhh fuck you, she slept with you, made our baby with you, then cut off my damb leg." She glared blearily around her as she reached for the remaining bottle on the floor. At least no one was here to judge her or push her into being happy. She took some satisfaction that she could be as messed up as she wanted right now, she needed to be messed up because obviously, pretending she wasn't had only made things worse.

"And now, I am stuck just watching. I can't tell her… what it was, what it is? Maybe she's right, maybe being apart is best right now. But what do you know, you're dead." She muttered to the quiet room. She checked her phone and email again. No new messages from Calliope. Three new messages from Lauren Boswell. _How did she get this email address?_

Just before she closed her computer she decided she would send a message after all.

Attempting to see the lines she was writing was harder than she'd anticipated. Still it resembled English and she was satisfied. She hit send and collapsed onto the cushions with the smallest of smiles, hoping that she could find hope again.

**What Julian says as they are swimming: Your daughter is like a fish, look at her!**

**Hopefully this chapter answers some questions and keeps you interested! Let me know what ya think :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey there, so I really enjoyed the comments some people have left me (especially when they totally disagree with how I'm handling the story) and also some that I really agree with, such as the show totally skirting Arizona's PTSD and everything that would entail. As it is I am enjoying the challenge of writing dialogue and I hope to hear more from you all : ) As before, the past/flashbacks are in Italics **

"This… is…. ass," she gasped out between sobs. Julian had taken an excited Sofia for morning rounds to feed the animals and Callie had decided to stay in bed. The reality of her situation was finally starting to sink in. Arizona cheated. And then blamed her.

Her life, her married life was really in shambles. Instead of sleeping she found herself sobbing, really choking and sputtering as she felt her body wracked with the physical pain of her emotional release. It had been about two hours since Julian and Sofia had gone and a few days since she had arrived in Mexico and it was now that her body, her spirit was finally starting to process.

As Julian entered her room and heard the pained sobs he made his way to her side and saw that the dam had finally broken, and Callie was almost drowning in the river of her own tears.

"coño, puta, mierda…" She spat the words out as she felt her friend sit next to her and lay his hand on her shoulder. "No me toques Juli" she ground out between trembling lips. "I just… It's real. And now that I'm here I can see it. And I'm fuckin pissed. And I don't know what to do with that, and I have to make these decisions and be a mom and a doctor and a professional…"

"You are being real corazon, you can say it." He interrupted gently. "You are all those things and you are pissed too. Sofia wanted to stay with Jaime to watch the horses train. Today is just for you. You can say it."

She felt the veins popping in her forehead as she clenched her jaw tightly and expelled her breath violently. "Fuck… her." Saying the words helped, like she could finally get some of the poison that she felt spreading through her being out. "Fuck the leg. Fuck that skinny seducing blonde bitch. Fuck the hospital, fuck the rain and that goddamn storm and fuck me for giving up so much of myself again. Just fuck!" She shouted as she felt more tears escaping her eyes. At least these didn't feel like they were burning trails of betrayal across her face. They felt cool and cleansing.

"Ok. So fuck… all that. Do what you need to. Don't worry about anyone else today and do whatever… Sofia will help me run the hotel today. Rosa will bring you la comida if you want to be alone." He got up and began to leave her room. "I love you bonita" he said softly as he walked out. He knew that after their talk in the springs the other day that Callie had a lot more bottled up inside than even she knew and that it was only a matter of time before it came out. He was just glad it was sooner rather than later.

Callie wrapped herself tighter in her sheets and kept cursing as her tears continued. She had promised Arizona that she would always be in their lives if she wanted to. She knew she didn't want to completely lose Arizona in her life and that's why she had tried to reassure the blonde, but maybe that was only her. Arizona hadn't even made contact with her since their talk at the hospital. Could she even handle being around her wife after this?

But she had to think of her daughter, and if the vitriolic feelings she was currently experiencing while thousands of miles away from Arizona held, she did not know what she would do when she was back in Seattle, across the hall with and in the hospital with her wife AND all these feelings. She knew it would be a struggle trying to handle this for herself, but her daughter…. She needed to find a way to make it for her baby girl.

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Arizona found herself jolting awake at the sound of her phone ringing. She had been having a nightmare, a recurring one that she'd dealt with in the months following the crash and her amputation.

The legs of a coffee table materialized next to her as her bleary eyes focused. She sat up gingerly, feeling the nausea hit her as she sat all the way up. She was on the floor of what used to be Mark's apartment and was beginning to feel a raging headache from all the alcohol she had consumed the night before.

_Why had she got up again? _My phone!" She breathed as she realized as she began to scramble to reach it before the call ended. Finally pulling it out of her purse she saw the caller id and swallowed nervously before hitting the answer button.

"Arizona?! I just got your message." A voice exclaimed into the line.

"Thank you so much for calling so soon. I just, I needed someone and you…" She felt herself almost embracing her cell phone as she made herself more comfortable on the floor. Looking down she noticed a little bit of vomit on her blouse and felt her disgust for herself and her weakness grow.

"It's ok Arizona, I'm here for whatever you need. You will get through this." Came the calm and encouraging voice, she was doing a good job of masking the frustration she felt as she spoke the words of comfort.

Arizona felt herself begin to weep and sniffled quietly. "Thank you… I've missed talking to you, Teddy."

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After hours spent crying and feeling pissed and being sure she was going to die from the pressure and pain all throughout her body, Callie decided to go for a walk. She was so grateful to Julian for taking care of her as well as her daughter. His comforting masculine presence reminded of her of Mark, albeit without all the crass comments and sexual innuendos.

He was her person when she thought she had no people left. She snorted as she thought about Mark and his sexual sorbets. Or Cristina and the tequila they would consume which would then be followed by dancing and then sobbing before passing out. She shook her head at the thoughts. Those were things she felt couldn't help her in this situation, and definitely not while she was responsible for Sofia.

As she walked up a hill and into the cover of trees, she broke the calm sounds of the woodland cicadas, "What should I do? How do I piece it together? How can I talk to her if I can't stand her and how do I hide that from my child?" She sighed as she looked around at the beauty surrounding her as she followed a small goat path further up the slope.

"I wish you were here Mark," she spoke quietly "our daughter is growing like a might oak!" She laughed softly "and you could have met Juli. I feel like we could have all been bros together." She smiled as she felt some of her energy returning. "And you and Lexie could have done a honeymoon here… Tell her I say hi. Keep looking out for us please. Love you."

It was late afternoon and Callie found herself drawn towards what she knew were the stables where the horses were kept. After walking past many of the stalls she stood looking in at the fierce eyes of a proud bay stallion. A few minutes into their staring contest, the stallion seemed to decide she was alright and promptly stuck his head out to nuzzle into her chest.

"Wow," she heard familiar footsteps approaching her and looked up to see Julian approaching in traditional riding boots. "He likes you, which is very unusual, or more like unheard of for him."

"Oh yeah," Callie muttered as she stroked the horse's face and neck.

"Yes," Julian stated emphatically. "We named him Cabron because he threw two of my trainers and refuses to be ridden by most. You still remember how to ride?"

He smirked at her in challenge. In college they had both been briefly involved with the equestrian team before they decided the team got in the way of their actual love of riding and affected their badass status with the workout uniforms. Then when they were in Botswana together, they would occasionally borrow horses to get around since vehicles were scarce and the Peace Corps determined that motorcycles were too dangerous for its members to use.

She sighed heavily, "I haven't in a while. Years actually. So many things have gotten in the way. Thank you for today, by the way. Where is Sofia?" She asked looking around as if she expected Julian to be hiding her behind his back.

"Yeah, I don't know. I lost her in the woods a while ago." Julian joked and smirked when he saw the completely un-amused look Callie was giving him. "She actually just went down for a nap and I asked Rosa to keep an eye on her in case she wakes up. I came to find you and maybe see if you were up for a ride?" His grin caused Callie to snort as she looked him up and down wondering if he caught his own double entendre.

"I would like that" she finally said after she decided he really was just talking about horses.

After riding around Julian's property and back Julian accompanied Callie to pick up Sofia for dinner. As they walked Julian found himself waiting for his serious friend to speak first. As she was biting her lip she finally began to speak.

"Julian today I was, I mean I am really mad. It was the first time I've really felt that, ever since maybe when she first came back from Africa. But this, this feels so much worse…. And maybe I still love her and feel guilty about our lives but fuck her. I need to be angry. I need to feel this if I'm gonna be able to deal with it."

Her companion was silent for a minute until she looked at him. His look was simply one of support, like he didn't pretend to know what she was feeling but he supported whatever she chose to say or do.

"You can be angry at her. She's not here and this is about you, she's not on a pedestal so you can curse and yell and it not be the end of the world. So fuck her! And if tomorrow or five minutes from now you want to plan a honeymoon that's okay too, Im not gonna judge you, too much… but I am still gonna need you to shovel horse shit and carry some weight around here. This isn't an eco-resort for nothing." He finished his speech jokingly. Leading her to a lounge room she saw that her daughter was now sitting up and playing with blocks with Julian's assistant Rosa.

"One day at a time right," she said softly, sitting down to play with the light of her life.

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After spending the rest of the morning cleaning herself and Mark's place up Arizona began to reflect on her situation. Sending that email and talking with Teddy had been one of the only positive and intelligent things she had managed to do in the past few days, besides saving babies at work.

Waking up covered in her own vomit had helped with her newfound determination to take baby steps to being better. Losing control had felt good, even freeing last night. It felt just as it had when she had slept with Dr. Boswell, but afterwards, she was just left feeling sick and disgusted with herself for taking the easy way out. She knew her brother would not tolerate her bullshit if he were around.

"_Just do it already! Neither of us is getting any younger waiting for you to walk into that damn room and get your number."_

"_I know Im good Tim but I hate that they will be judging me and I really want this… Even if its just a summer thing and nobody gets why I'm doing it." _

"_You love it, and that's more than enough. It seems to me you have an easy choice, this opportunity is here right now and will be whether or not you take it. Just get it over with and move forward with your life or avoid it and have regrets. You have to do this. I refuse to let my baby sis run away because she's afraid. Now get your shit together and get in there." _

She always missed her brother, but ever since his death she felt she had been trying to be strong without being the kind of brave her brother had always pushed her to be. Trying to live up to the legacy of tough Robbins soldiers she had ended up bailing on tough situations a lot. Sure, she'd had her moments where she would realize her mistakes and then try to fix them, especially in her relationship with Calliope, but she never seemed to be able to just face her problems and fears in the moment. It always took running away or screwing up first. As she was getting ready to head out to her late afternoon shift at the hospital she recalled her conversation with Teddy.

"_Teddy, I… I fucked up and I think, I think Callie and I... We've both hurt each other so much and I'm really lost right now. When you were going through all that widow stuff... How did that work? How did you get back from that?" She asked in a halting and disheartened tone._

"_Well, you did and you are. But Im glad you actually made the decision to reach out to me. I know things have gotten away from us all this past year. I'm sorry for all that has happened but I want you to know that this is huge that you are talking to me. I know this is really big and really painful, and the only way out is through it." Teddy replied in an even and hopefully reassuring tone. _

"_I realize I screwed up, but I am really mad. And I don't even know why Im so mad, it just comes out sometimes where I don't even see what caused it."_

"_Yeah… I know you know I went to group therapy for widows and that didn't really help. But after I spent months wallowing and avoiding I made myself see people. And sometimes it sucked. But I found people to talk to and it did help. Arizona, I know you are very independent and proud, and I know you didn't want to talk to anyone about what happened to you before this, but PTSD doesn't just go away, especially when your strategy is to ignore it."_

"_I mean, I've learned to live with one leg, I can work and the prosthetic isn't so painful anymore but... I just want to run away and have this not be my life. There are days where I look around me and see so many things that are the same but then I have these moments where it's like I'm in shock or looking at myself move through my life but it doesn't feel real and I think, how can this be my life? How did I really get here? How did I fuck up this badly?"_

"_You can only take things one step at a time. And you've already taken the first one. You wrote to me about being in control and you say this doesn't feel like your life. No one else can give you that back. Whatever you chose to do before and however you respond to this new woman who keeps trying to talk to you, you can't run away anymore." _

_Hearing her friend say those words she knew she was right._

"_My brother always pushed me to face my fear. He always defended me and stood up, that old saying about bravery, the only time you can truly have courage is when you're afraid. He would always say that. And I am afraid. But I want to face it. I don't want to just run anymore." She nearly whispered the words as Teddy comforted her and recommended her to a doctor who specialized in treating people with PTSD. _

Arizona sent a quiet prayer and apology up to her brother and Mark and whoever else was listening.

"Help me find the strength to face my life." With that she headed out of the apartment and into whatever that day had waiting for her.

**Oh yeah, Callie's curses in the beginning : cunt, whore, shit. Very common and useful Spanish curses. **


End file.
